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 Jordi's Story 
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Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 7:55 am
Posts: 8
Location: Spain
State/Province/Country: Girona
*Frist i want to say English isn't my main lenguage, but i think we can undrestand each other, btw my nickname in stepchat is Ousean, grettings to Xander, Scott and Amir that introduce me and help me in the 12 step.


Hi, I'm Jordi and i'm a gaming addict.
I would like to start sharing a text i wrote when i was in on of the my darknest night.

" Again facing the abyss.
Willing to fall back, slip down to the void, into the depths, into the darkest part of my being, nothing matters. Did I ever care about? I know what awaits me. After the long fall comes the strike, hard strike, pain, tears, look up and see nothing, only a pervasive darkness, lost, alone. The body numbed by the long fall wakes up, unmotivated, without understanding very well I start to climb again.

Maybe someone did a mistake, there was a transfer error, these things happen, but who complain? There is no number of assistance: "Look, listen, here's a misunderstanding I didn't had to born, has been an error." No, this does not exist. It is there, I was thrown into the world of dualities, where there is hot and cold, pain and happiness. I do not want either, just want to disappear, not be part of this, I is too big this commitment, I am not able to face this reality and i dont want it.

Maybe my odyssey is falling to climb again. Is this my paradigm? I tasted the cold darkness, their blackness hugs and makes me disappear, but..After I throw myself into the abyss I could sense the faint sunlight on my weak body, maybe just maybe, I should go through the grey clouds that surround the abyss, go a little further, climb a little higher, feel the touch of sunlight, it will be difficult, it is not known ground. The abyss,the fall, the climb, i know them. I have created some comfort in this process, but would be able to go into the unknown? "


Since my childhood I have had a series of escapist habits I didn’t want to face reality. Engrossed in virtual worlds, where I could spend days, weeks and months playing in front of a computer. I couldn’t cut this routine as much I try, i tried all, always relapsed again. I had and still have sometimes an inability to put my feet on the ground and make or finish projects and ideas, many unfulfilled promises, a thousand things begun, none finished, adding the difficulty to perform the basic things of everyday life.

All this translates to a feeling of I continuously stamp against the wall, I have tried many ways, there are times that I had the feeling of having past the page, in the end, I couldn’t hold it in time, always falling back into old patterns. It's like a never-ending story of not being able to do, not having energy to make the changes you need to do. Gradually, from time, to try and have the perception that you keep failing you start to see how someone who really has no desire, just saw yourself weak and a failure that is not capable of doing basic and simple things of life. Every time It’s more harder to sustain oneself. I see others slowly fulfilling their objectives, pursue their dreams and I’m there, stopped, stuck without being able to advance, trapped.

The worst thing is knowing what you're doing is totally harmful to you, I’m hurting myself and I still go on, I dont find a way regulate it, dominate it or clean it. I try but I can’t change. I see the problem solving in a mental level, but 2 + 2 don't give me 4. Anger, frustration, misunderstanding of oneself, desperation.
If I try to explain my problem, people laugh at me, just call me lazy and i have a childs actittude, they told me is not that hard “you just have to stop playing and do something with your life”. “Yeah so easy, why didn’t realized that lol”. Gaming addiction is a lonley path, a lot of people this days don’t undrestand. It’s like to be alone in the surface of the moon. Its really hard to find someone to share this feelings and thougts.

It’s so important to find someone that can understand you and don’t judge you. I tried to walk this path alone, but i can’t. Years ago I met one person who help me. He listened and contained my thoughts, my emotions and my pain, I'm really thank full for what he did for me. Verbalazing or writting what you have inside is so important. Take it out.

I started looking to myself, my thougts, my emotions, see whats going on with myself. Observing the process. What impulse me to my addiction. Slowly and patiently I started to gain a little domain of myself. But still relapsing at some points. I was frustrated and I hate myself when i relapsed, I stop doing that. I stop judging myself, stop comparing me to others, I began to appreciate my efforts. Is hard to do all this changes but i work every day to change my prespective. I didn’t find radicals changes night to day works. I saw what it works in life and myself is a slowly perseverance, day to day, step by step. Love every day, love every step, feel the littles victorys of every day.

I continue relapsing. But i look the big picture and i saw the time to relapse to relapse are bigger and bigger and the time i was playing in the relapse it was shorter and shorter. So I was happy, and I see every time I relapsed i found something important that help me, this last time i found CGAA.
Now i was trying to quit Streams and youtube gaming channels, becouse whatching this help me to play again so easy and i wasted to much time every day too, can’t control it. I was in this “battle” for a year, when i found CGAA and i started with the steps that help me to much. Now i don’t watch videos, is the frist time I’m 100% clean, no game, no streams, nothing.

I only did step 1, but that help me so much, the true realitzation that I’m powerless that i have no power to gaming and all realted to gaming is like i throw away a big backpack full of responsability and duty i realy feel relieved. Take a load off my back that how it feels. Now is time to step 2..

Step by Step, thank you.


Sat May 21, 2016 9:17 am
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Joined: Wed Apr 13, 2016 2:28 pm
Posts: 11
State/Province/Country: East Coast
Hi Jordi, and welcome to CGAA! It's good to have you here.

I relate a lot to what you wrote. I also used gaming as a form of escape from the world, especially during times I was most depressed. I was often unhappy about all the suffering in the world and felt helpless, but in the gaming world I had power to do whatever I wanted to do. Save the world, destroy the forces of evil, or continuously find greater challenges against the best players out there. I've also been unsuccessful in quitting gaming on my own, but have found CGAA has made it a lot more of a realistic goal for me.

That's wonderful that you've been able to also quit streaming and Youtube gaming channels. I'm currently gaming-free, but have not entirely rid myself from utilizing Youtube on occasion, but I know it's a dangerous trigger for me that I should avoid (especially the gaming-side of it).

Considering English isn't your first language, I'd say you're English is quite good.

I'm also glad to hear your work on the first step has been going well. It isn't an easy step to take, but the step work has been quite beneficial for me in my recovery, and I hope it's very beneficial for you as well. I look forward to hopefully meeting you soon at a Mumble meeting.


Sat May 21, 2016 11:12 am
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Joined: Sat May 17, 2014 4:04 pm
Posts: 323
Location: Detroit, MI
Thanks for sharing, Jordi. I relate to the despair and hopelessness you seemed to be describing in the first part of the text you wrote. It's hard to fail so many times.

I'm glad you found us. To this day, having gotten a sponsor to help me work the steps has been one of the best decisions I ever made. I'm glad to hear that the steps are making changes in your life too, and definitely encourage you to keep going with them.


Mon May 23, 2016 9:44 pm
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Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 7:55 am
Posts: 8
Location: Spain
State/Province/Country: Girona
ExGamer123 and LearningSerenity thanks for the comment ! :)

_________________
Hi I'm Jordi, my nickname in stepchat is Ousean. I only se brave people in this forum :) !


Tue May 24, 2016 7:13 am
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Joined: Sat May 17, 2014 4:43 pm
Posts: 343
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
State/Province/Country: Cleveland, Ohio
Jordi,

I can relate.

For me and other gaming addicts, we didn't just game too much because it was a symptom of some other problem that was no different than being just some irresponsible, mentally handicapped person who played games as a way to escape or procrastinate. Like you the world labeled me that but I knew they didn't get it and the gamers I gamed with seemed to be the only people like me.

I didn't play only one or two games. I started there but that one or two games led to steam and mmo's and games and being a part of gamer communities where it included not just playing the games but hours in chat or watching youtube or streams or gamer communities.

By the time I found this fellowship, as someone who prior to age 45 had not been exposed to games, I can say gaming had become literally my life and when I use the word gaming it was not just the game or games I physically played but the gaming communities/youtube social media groups connected to it.

I literally reached what the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous states that all addicts reach of that jumping off place of utter loneliness, desparation, knowing I was spending over 50% of every single day of my life either in a game or a gaming related youtube/media community and utterly unable to stop it.

It is a horrible place I would not wish on my worst enemy.

Many of those I gamed with gamed maybe as much or more hours than me but never lived that inner Hell that I, a video game addict, did. They could play for 10 hours and abruptly log off because they had to get up for work or their wife or husband needed their time where I couldn't and worse got pissed at them or anyone in my guild who would EVER THINK TO DO THAT.

No amount of efforts on my part at selfdiscipline (and btw most addicts are really the most driven selfdisciplined, above average intelligent people), none worked.

So yea, I can relate and welcome! I like you suffer from not mental illness or any of that but simply video game addiction. The effect you and I get when we play is such we give up everything chasing that high. The only way to get free is to in your own gut acknowledge it, which for me meant getting honest that it wasn't just the game or games I was playing at the time but GAMING, which included watching streams, gamer friends I chat with or social media gaming sites, I had to realize they were part of the one single disease called video game addiction and give them up.

So, when I got here, I not only deleted every mmo, steam, but unfriended everyone on skype or (for me I canceled my facebook), removed everything in my life that was there due or from my video gaming. It was excruciatingly hard for about the first 10 days and I'd never have made it without CGAA meetings.

I was blessed in that I had previously decades earlier gone through the same with having to give up and unfriend all that I had been drinking or doing coke with. Not only not using alcohol or cocaine but blocking dealers I got it from and people who truly were only in my phone or friends that were there as part of my drinking/party pals.

I could not have stayed sober from those if I had somehow tried to con myself into thinking it was ok to just not drink or do coke or game but still hang with and talk to those still doing it.

Know you are not terminally unique or alone. We have been where you are and gone through what you are going through and there is hope and a group here to help you walk away from this.

Hope to see you in some meetings.

_________________
Hugs,

Lisa


Sun Jun 05, 2016 4:42 pm
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Joined: Mon May 02, 2016 7:55 am
Posts: 8
Location: Spain
State/Province/Country: Girona
Lisa thank you for coment!
Thank you to take your time for sharing your expirience, thoughts and reflections, I appreciate that.

Hugs for everyone!!

_________________
Hi I'm Jordi, my nickname in stepchat is Ousean. I only se brave people in this forum :) !


Tue Jun 07, 2016 4:22 pm
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